


What Do I do?

by ChaseTheSun



Category: K-pop, Red Velvet (K-pop Band)
Genre: F/F
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2017-10-20
Updated: 2017-11-18
Packaged: 2019-01-20 06:58:02
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 8
Words: 19,134
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/12427356
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/ChaseTheSun/pseuds/ChaseTheSun
Summary: Seungwan needs to move on and she needs help. Taeyeon, Tiffany and their band of helpful (and no so helpful) friends attempt to save the day. It doesn't go as planned. Or does it?





	1. Chapter 1

Seungwan fucks up and her world tilts on its axis.

After a long day of appearances and photoshoots she‘s about to pass out. Faces were blurring and sounds echoed strangely inside her head. Joohyun slings an arm around her and Seungwan buries her face into the crook of her neck, nosing into the silent, comforting spot that she adores.

She phases between consciousness and sleep, curled against Joohuyn, marvelling at the softness of her skin and enjoying her warmth.

It is a tiny mistake; a momentary lapse in self control. Her lips softly brush against the pale skin of Joohyun’s throat and it changes everything.

Joohyun jerks her body back with a sharp inhale and stares at her with wide eyes. The shock in them is not surprising, but the fear is.

Seungwan has looked into Joohyun’s eyes a thousand times and seen a hundred different things. She has never seen Joohyun afraid.  
Before today, she had never seen fear in her eyes. Not when they performed their debut song on stage for the first time. Not at their first public appearance. Not even when she had been confined to a hospital bed, pale and fragile, with shattered bones and torn tendons.

Seungwan knows Joohyun. She knows that she is caring, hardworking and very, very brave. Even when faced with the possibility that she many never dance again, she was not afraid; that her career may end then and there, she was not afraid.

It terrifies her to see the fear in Joohyun’s eyes for the first time. And knowing it was because of what she had done, Seungwan feels hurt pierce her heart, sharp and agonising.

Joohyun draws back into her corner and leans against the window without another word. There’s a look on her face that she has not seen before; that she cannot read. Joohyun spends the drive staring out the window and not looking back once. Seungwan knows this because she keeps her eyes on Joohyun the entire time.

 

Something shifts between them, its lingers heavy and unspoken, gradually stealing away Joohyun’s smiles and sapping away at Seungwan’s strength.

Everything has changed and Seungwan is too much of a coward to confront Joohyun about it. It wears away at her, sure and slow, there’s a lethargy in her limbs and a gnawing sense of detachment inside her head.

All she needs to do is talk to Joohyun. And then all will be well. Seungwan does not talk.

She dreams about them, Joohyun’s eyes. Often they’re twinkling crescents, playful and warm and Seungwan wakes with a smile on her face.

As of late, more often than not, it’s wide, fearful eyes that haunt her when she succumbs to sleep. Always scared and never accusing. She sleeps less these days. She ends up on the balcony more often than not.

In the silent, calm hours of the night, when the world is sleeping and Seungwan cannot, she slips into her softest hoodie, long sleeves keeping her fingers warm and sneaks onto the balcony to bathe in neon lights.

There is a muted calmness to Seoul that is absent during the day. Under the moonlight, and only under the moonlight, beneath the star soaked sky, it’s something out of a florescent fairytale. And so Seungwan sits with lights dancing across her face and a certain weightlessness that makes its home in the hollows of her chest.

It’s a stark view, all concrete and glass, but it comforts her. The empty, winding streets are illuminated under the streetlights and tracing them with her eyes puts Seungwan at ease. It always seems so surreal to her, like taking a glimpse into another place, in another city, one where she’s living a different life.

She’ll sit on the balcony and get lost in her musings until the sun breaks the horizon with its morning light. Seungwan sits on the balcony when she cannot sleep and Seungwan sits on the balcony when she is sad.

Joohyun always seems to pick up on her sadness. She would be on the balcony, lost in thought and then Joohyun would wrap deceptively strong arms around her waist and pulling her back into a warm body. Seungwan would go limp in her arms, feeling safe and content.

Joohyun would lean forward to press her forehead against her back and Seungwan would luxuriate in the comfort of her warmth. Joohyun would hold her until dawn shatters their cozy little bubble and they have to leave.

Seungwan does not bring it up. Joohyun does not mention it. She is not as sad when Joohyun holds her.

After the shift, Seungwan no longer spends her nights on the balcony. She grabs her phone and sneaks out of the apartment. She sits alone in the stairwell, listening to sad songs and tries to ignore the persistent ache in her chest.

 

Seungwan shifts uneasily on the plush purple couch. She feels as if she’s walked into a den of predators, her body on edge and ready to flee. The lighting is dim and it would be intimate if she wasn’t so terrified.

They sit opposite her with matching cheshire grins and she suddenly regrets everything. It’s too late, she can’t escape. She’s seen that expression on Taeyeon before; it’s Tiffany that’s surprises her. She feels as if they’re the cats and she’s the poor canary that’s walked into their kitchen and popped herself onto a plate. And they’re trying to decide what’s best to season her with.

Seungwan shudders when she catches a glimpse of pink tongue and edge of a sharp canine. She’s not terrified. She’s not terrified. She’s not terrified.

“Welcome, Seungwan. We’ve been expecting you.” Taeyeon tents her fingers and leans forward, eyes gleaming behind a curtain of dark hair.

Well, that’s ominous. Seungwan thinks that if Taeyeon had the physical strength to carry a chair that could spin all the way down the stairs to her basement, she would. She did mention that she was really into the villain aesthetic once upon a time. Her wardrobe had been monochrome for a week before Tiffany had put a stop to it.

Seungwan is pretty sure there’s still fansites dedicated to Taeyeon’s dark aesthetic. She might have subscribed to a few.

“So, it’s finally come to this." Tiffany leans back and daintily takes a sip of drink in her hands, pastel pink nails curling around the glass. Her drink is a lurid shade of pink and it terrifies Seungwan.

“Don’t worry. We’ve done this a lot.”

“We pretty much guarantee happy endings.” Tiffany practically purrs.

“All you need to do, is tell us everything.” There’s an almost manic gleam in Taeyeon’s eyes.

Seungwan swallows nervously. She tries to start small.

“I have feelings for unnie.” That is not small at all.

“We know.”

“Oh.” She hadn’t predicted that.

“Honey, everyone and their manager can see that you have feelings for her.“

“Oh.” Seungwan doesn’t think she was that obvious. Apparently she’s wrong.

“It’s a miracle that she hasn’t picked up on it already.”

“I’m pretty sure she knows.” Seungwan feels her face grow warm, feels hot tears gather at the corners of her eyes at the admission.

There’s a beat of silence and she can tell that they’re thrown.

Taeyeon and Tiffany’s figures are blurry through her tears, but Seungwan cannot bring herself to wipe them away. She doesn’t want to see the pity that she knows will be present in their eyes. Neither of them are particularly adept at hiding their feelings.

It’s a balm really. She does not like the confrontation that supressed emotions bring. They’re such good friends because they are expressive and she is reticent, it’s who they are and why they work.

Joohyun is not one for words. Seungwan isn’t either. She bitterly wonders if that’s why they were over before they could begin.

She slides onto Taeyeon’s lap, wrapping her arms around a slender neck and buries herself in the soft looking material of her sweatshirt. Small hands start rubbing circles onto her back and Seungwan feels something shatter.

Seungwan sobs, harsh and resentful, in the protective circle of Taeyeon’s arms. She’s a storm of repressed emotion and it rushes through her veins and bleeds through her skin. She’s tired. She’s tired of Joohyun’s distance. She’s tired of her own unwillingness to act. She’s tired of holding herself together. She’s kept her emotions on too tight a leash for too long a time.

A storm is a force of nature. You cannot avoid it. You cannot stop it. All you can do is weather it.

 

“That’s not romantic! That’s just plain creepy!”

“Are those snowflakes on his tie?”

“Oh. His abs are delicious. I just wan-

“Yerim! No!”

“Yerim, Yes!”

Seungwan is in the living room, squished between Sooyoung and Yerim, watching some dating show that they like and enjoying their commentary. She’s had a tiring day and all she wants to do is relax.

Her phone buzzes and she slips it out to check the screen. Her entire body tenses and her fear must have shown on her face.

“Unnie? What’s the matter?"

“Unnie? Unnie? Unnie?"

She’s trapped between them. Seungwan needs to escape before things can escalate any further. She manages to rise off the couch a little, before powerful arms grab her hips and keep her seated.

They have matching demonic grins and Seungwan really needs to stop being trapped by twin terrors.

“I was just going to get some water. Because my throat is dry. It’s dry because I need water.” Seungwan is terrible at making up excuses and even worse at pretending.

“Water?” Yerim looks disbelieving.

“Really, unnie. Water?” Sooyoung sounds disgruntled. She raises an eyebrow accusingly.

“It takes more than that to fool the Mighty Yerim.” She’s taking in third person again. Sometimes she worries Seungwan.

“You think water can fool us? _Water_?”

She should have thought of a better live. She should also really learn to control her face; it always gives her away.

Sooyoung leans in until their face to face, eyes fierce and uncompromising. “You tell us what’s up, unnie, and we let you go. You don’t tell us and well…” Her arms tighten around Seungwan’s waist for a fraction of a second, just enough for her to feel it.

Seungwan sighs, resigned to her fate. She knows how this is going to go. She either lets Sooyoung and Yerim in on it and hope that they keep it to themselves or they’ll wreak havoc on her sanity until she’s being for mercy.

She holds her phone up and shows them the message. Your date is tonight. Look pretty. Pick you up at six. Look classy.

They scream in her ear, shrill and excited and Seungwan feels a shiver run up her spine. This will not end well.

She doesn’t know what Tiffany was thinking. Suggesting that they set her up on dates. It’s supposed to help her out, it’ll be a positive outlet for her feelings, she’ll feel much better after a night out, they said. Seungwan isn’t convinced.

She’s been feeling slight better this week, a little bit lighter after crying it all out. She had apologised profusely for the embarrassing stain on the front of Taeyeon’s sweatshirt.

Tiffany had handed her a set of pyjamas, pastel pink, and tucked her into a guest room. Seungwan hasn’t slept that well in months.  
They had asked for her trust. And though she’s a coward, she still takes risks. She knows Taeyeon and Tiffany. She knows that they genuinely want to help.

Seungwan sighs again. She’ll take this leap of faith.

“Sooyoung, Yerim, please help me pick an outfit.”

 

They send a dark car with tinted windows, powerful and sleek, to pick her up.

Seungwan sits quietly and waits. She’s in a delightful little black dress that falls to her knees. Her heels are slight, but enough to emphasise the lines of her body. It’s not what she usually goes for, but Sooyoung had been very insistent. She knows she looks good.

She fiddles with her clutch, zipping and unzipping it. She is so distracted that she does not notice the car stoping.

“Ma’am we’re here.” the driver opens her door and extends a hand.

“Thank you.” Seungwan takes it and steps out into the crisp evening air.

“My pleasure Ma’am.”

Her destination is a an pleasant little restaurant. It’s between two corporate giants and Seungwan thinks that it is an odd place for a restaurant to be.

There’s a familiar figure standing nearby, austere and elegant, clad in an dark suit. She towers over Seungwan, who has to look up to see her face.

“Krystal?” Seungwan expected many things. But Seungwan did not expect this.


	2. Chapter 2

 

"Seungwan.” Krystal raises an eyebrow, sounding surprised. She leans down just a little, until they’re eye to eye, “I’m glad that it’s _you_.”

“Thank you?” Seungwan doesn’t have anything more to say and shuffles awkwardly from foot to foot.

“I’ve always thought that you’d look good in black and white. So it’s pretty convenient that you’d be the one to help me out. I appreciate it.” She’s bouncing up and down in place from excitement and there’s no way Seungwan can take that away from her, not when she looks someone has given her the cutest puppy on earth. Seungwan will not take it from from her, whatever it is.

Seungwan thinks that she’s missing something. There’s something Krystal knows and she doesn’t. She looks down and rubs at the nape of her neck. There’s a conspiracy afoot and she’s blaming Taeyeon and Tiffany.

“It’s really no problem. I’ve been looking forward to it.” She settles for the most generic response known to mankind. The go-to for everybody that’s ever had to make things up or had absolutely no idea what’s happening. By some miracle, Krystal believes her.

“Great. Let’s go. I booked us a table for two.” Krystal’s smile is small and shy as she offers her arm and Seungwan is charmed. She loops her arm around Krystal’s without hesitation and lets herself be led into the restaurant.

It’s Italian. She can tell by the red and white checkered tablecloths. They’re a universal Italian restaurant staple. It’s warm and cosy and she can already smell the herbs and spices wafting from the kitchen. It’s mouth watering and she can’t wait. She hasn’t managed to find good Italian food in Seoul so she’s looking forward to this.

They end up on the third floor balcony. There’s a little table already set up, with candles in the middle and what looks to be a bottle of wine stuffed into a pail of ice underneath one of the chairs. The view isn’t anything special, but they’re high above the people on the street, and it’s just the two of them on the balcony; it’s a very private setting for dinner. Seungwan appreciates Krystal’s thoughtfulness.

It’s a little overwhelming for their first date though. Their only date? Does she even know that it’s a date?  
Seungwan glances back at the very, very romantic setting; Krystal definitely knows it’s a date.

They sit and browse the menu. As stunning as the table setup is, it’s actually pretty difficult to read by candlelight and Seungwan can feel herself squinting. Across from her, Krystal does the same. Pasta, pizza, risotto, steak, all the things that Seungwan has been missing.

“I think I’m going to get the pasta.” Pasta. She misses a good pasta the most.

“Red or white?” Krystal asks from behind her menu.

“I prefer the red, I think it’s got more flavour.”

Her date makes a face. “My sister hates red pasta. She always gets the white. Nothing to do with the taste though. She just thinks white stains her clothes less.”

“That’s a very…. _specific_ reason.” Seungwan is amused. And secretly quite impressed. She remembers a favourite shirt stained beyond repair and thinks about abstaining from red pasta. She decides not to, it tastes too good and she does not have the willpower Jessica does.

“What can I say? Jess likes to look good. She said to me ‘Krystal, one does not spend this much time in the closet only to ruin their outfit by submitting to one’s tastebuds.’ I eat whatever I want anyway.”

Seungwan remembers that the first and only piece of advice her sister had given her about looking good was ‘If you think you look do, then you look good. Even if you don’t.’

She can feel a fond grin break out. “Older sisters right?”

“Older sisters.” They wear the same smile, the one all younger sisters know.

“I’m going to get the mushroom risotto. It’s hard finding good risotto. I love mushrooms, they’re meaty but not actual meat.” Krystal says, tucking her menu away.

She waits a beat and when she’s sure Krystal has nothing more to say, she ventures, “I tried to make risotto once.”

“I’m assuming it didn’t end well?”

“It took ages and the outside was still raw while the outside was soggy. Not to mention the wine almost set everything thing on fire.” It is her most spectacular kitchen failure to date. She’d been banned for a month, and was only allowed in when the burnt smell had finally cleared out and people had forgetting all about her mishap.

“Ah. It’s a good thing neither of us are professional chefs then.”

“Agreed.”

The waiter comes over and takes their orders. He also asks if they’d like to experience a complimentary string quartet. They politely decline. Seungwan really doesn’t want this to feel like it’s from a Disney movie. It one of the reasons she didn’t order the spaghetti.

“So…when are you free to help me out?” Krystal’s talking about that thing Seungwan has apparently agreed to. She still doesn’t know what it is.

“That depends on how long you’re going to need?”

“Not that long actually. The theme is ‘spontaneity’. So I’m just going to go with my gut.”

“Did you have a time and place in mind or?”

Krystal drums her fingers on the table and avoids meeting Seungwan’s eyes. “I was actually hoping we could do it during dinner. I bought everything I’d need.”

What exactly did she agree to? What exactly does Krystal plan to do?

“Sure.”

“Great! Just let me grab my stuff.” Krystal leans out of her chair to rummage around a bag that Seungwan has just noticed. She pulls out a little black hard case and it looks familiar.

“Is that a camera?”

“How else am I supposed to take pictures of you?”

“Pictures?”

“Oh dear god. I am going to kill her.” There’s a look of dawning comprehension and a loud smack as Krystal slaps her forehead. “She did it again. Oh god why…” She sounds completely exasperated. She sounds nothing like her usual suave self.

“Who did what?”

“Taeyeon. She’s supposed to model for my photography class. She said she found a willing replacement.” Krystal’s lower lip juts out in a cute little pout. It’s not an expression Seungwan expects, it’s cute none the less. “I was really, really excited to shoot you.” She turns large, puppy-like eyes Seungwan’s way. “If you aren’t meeting me as my model, why are you here tonight?”

“It’s supposed to be a date.”

“Oh.”

“Yeah…”

“Taeyeon and Tiffany?”

“Taeyeon and Tiffany.”

“They are in so much trouble. This is just like them to throw us into the deep end.”

Luckily their dishes arrive and they’re saved from further conversation. Seungwan is plotting revenge in her mind and from the furrow in Krystal’s brow, she isn’t the only one.

Seungwan is going to eat all of Taeyeon’s ice cream and slightly, very slightly adjust Tiffany’s colour coded wardrobe. It’s fifty shades of pink and Seungwan knows that just one misplaced item of clothing will drive her insane. They scare her half to death with a date, only for said date to not know that it’s a date.

The pasta is as delicious as she had hoped. A full Seungwan is a happy Seungwan. A happy Seungwan has lowered defences. And practically non-existent inhibitions. And an inability to feel embarrassment. And also an abundance of ideas that could go terribly, terribly wrong or terribly, terribly right.

“I’d like to help you out. With the photos I mean. You already have all your gear here so…”

“Really?” Krystal’s smile lights up the balcony. Seungwan thinks that it's the best view of the night.

“Yea. I’m already here. So we might as well. You’ve been so sweet and really, now that it’s not a surprise, I really don’t mind. It’s something new. And I’m keen on new experiences.”

“Great. Let’s get dessert first though, this place has killer gelato.”

Krystal pulls out her camera when Seungwan has a heaped spoonful of hazelnut gelato in her mouth. She tries desperately to chew, but there’s just too much. _Flash. Flash. Flash._

“Krystal! Stop! Those are gonna look terrible!”

“Any photo with you in it isn’t going to look bad! Especially if you’re in that dress.”

Seungwan feels her cheeks warm and tried to stutter out a response that matches Krystal’s “I-I’m not prepared!”

“I’m going for the candid look. Just be natural! Get it? Be Natural? That was an iconic look.” There’s a quiet sigh before she hears more snaps of the camera. “You really suit dark hair. You going to go back to black?”

Seungwan plays with the blonde ends of her hair. It’s only been a few months since it’d been dyed and she likes it, having the tops part dark means that it’s easy to grow out. But she doesn’t really enjoy the blonde parts. They’re always threatening to turn orange unless she constantly uses treatment.

“I don’t like light colours, they don’t suit me at all. Any darker shade of hair is fine. This hair is a pain to take care of. I had to sleep with my towel over my pillow for a week.”

“Mhhh.” _Flash. Flash. Flash_. “Look up. Hide behind your hair.” _Snap. Flash. Snap._ “Good. Great. Gorgeous.” Krystal leans forward, hovering over the table to take her shots.

“This isn’t a DSLR you know. It’s old school film. If it’s a good shot, it’s a good shot. It if’s terrible, it’s terrible. I actually have a darkroom in my basement.” More flashes of the camera. “It just makes it more real, you know, just getting that once chance to capture something. You only get one shot.” Krystal shoots her a cheeky grin, “You think you could seductively lick the spoon? For science? Promise I won’t show anyone.”

“Krystal! I’m not going to obey your every order just because you look really good in that suit!”

"You sure? Girls dig girls in suits."

The dinner ends when they finish their gelato and Krystal runs out of film. Krystal takes the bottle of unopened wine with with them when they leave. When it comes to the bill, Seungwan fights her for it. Krystal is enjoyable company and Seungwan finds that she has not regrets. It’s half a date and half impromptu photoshoot and she finds that she had a lovely time. It’s not what she expected, but she had fun all the same.

Seungwan does feel a tinge of regret when they exit the restaurant. It’s their first date and it will be their only date. Krystal had said that she wanted to focus on her art and herself before embarking on a relationship. It’s a shame really, she thinks that they might work out.

There’s a car parked in a nearby alley, almost invisible if you don’t know it’s there and Seungwan is offered a ride home. It’s later than she expected it to be and there’s no other way to get home, so she takes it.

She shivers in the passenger seat, unprepared for the evening chill. Seungwan thinks that she should have bought along a light jacket and hopes that she doesn’t catch a cold. She sneezes.

Something soft hits her in the face.

“Did you just _throw_ your blazer at me?”

“You’re cold. Put it on? Please? I don’t want to make a terrible impression on my date.”

“Fine.”

Seungwan slips the blazer on. It’s a good fit, if a little large.

“This is nice.” It’s warm and softer than she thought it would be. She wants one of her own.

“Yeah, it's Blanc & Eclare. Jess went through my wardrobe. She’s using me as a walking billboard.”

They make light-hearted conversation until they arrive at her dorm. Krystal offers to walk her to her door and Seungwan can’t find the heart to decline.

 

“So.” Seungwan leans her back against the door and stares at her heels.

“So.” Krystal wrings her hands.

They linger outside her door and Seungwan does not know what to do. It’s half a date and half not and not something she has experienced before. Krystal does not know what to do either. And so they stand outside, Seungwan leaning against the door and Krystal looming before her.

“I had a really good time tonight.”

“Thanks for being my model.”

Seungwan notices that there seem to be many moments of silence between them. A little too many.

“I’m going to kiss you now.”

“W-what?” Krystal stares at her, mouth slack and eyes wide.

“It’s a _cheek_ kiss relax.”

“Oh thank god.”

“Hey! I’m a good date!”

“You were great. I’m ju-“

“Focusing on your art. I know. Bend down so I can kiss you. I don’t want to get on tiptoes in these heels.”

“As m’lady commands.”

“Down. _Now_.”

They part with a kiss on the cheek and Seungwan is relieved. It might have been a surprise to the both of them, but it still ended up being a nice night for the both of them. She hopes they’ll be able to spend time together again, this time without anymore helpful actions on Taeyeon or Tiffany’s part.

She lets herself in with a smile and heads to the bathroom to get ready for bed.

“Welcome home.” It comes out of nowhere and she is not prepared.

Seungwan spins around in a cascade of hair and holds a hand over her thundering heart, willing it to slow down.

Joohyun sits on the couch, presumably in the dark until she had let herself in and turned the lights on. Her arms are crossed and Seungwan is intimidated despite the lavender pyjamas.

“Joohyun-unnie? Why are you up so late?” She knows that she is the one that cannot sleep and that Joohyun has no problems. Recently, Joohyun has become the problem.

“I was waiting for you.” There’s something about the way she says it, soft and intimate, like a truth that she’s admitting to the both of them. A truth that won’t be spoken during the light of day. Nighttime might as well be another world when it’s the two of them.

“Ahh. Thank you for waiting. There’s no need for you to wait for me, you know.” The words fall out, stiff and awkward and she knows that Joohyun notices. There’s a very slight stiffening of her shoulders and her lips thin. It's never been like this between them before. Neither of them like it.

“I can’t sleep if you’re not home. Sooyoung and Yerim said you were out and it was getting late and I got worried. Is that a new blazer? It looks nice.”

Seungwan knows Joohyun is aware of all the items of clothing in her wardrobe, she does insist on doing all of the laundry after all. Joohyun knows that the blazer isn’t hers.

“Ah. No. It’s not. It belongs to my date actually.”

“Date? Was he good looking?” Joohyun means to sound teasing, but there’s something else there. There’s something in her eyes; something new that Seungwan cannot yet name.

“She was very pretty.” She pulls the blazer tighter around herself and tries not to run.

“She.” The single word is almost snarled out and Seungwan can’t help the shake that starts at her fingertips.

Joohyun stands and moves closer, until they’re face to face. Seungwan flinches when slender fingers tuck a stray piece of her fringe behind her ears.

“I hope _she_ took good care of you Seungwan. I’m going to bed.”

Seungwan is left standing by the empty couch. She stares at Joohyun’s retreating back and wonders about Joohyun’s words.

 

 

 

 


	3. Chapter 3

Joohyun acts unusual after that night and Seungwan doesn’t know if she's just overthinking or if it’s actually occurring.

Seungwan feels her gaze, intent and burning, whenever her back is turned, but the moment she faces Joohyun, she’s always on her phone or folding clothing, eyes averted. She hasn’t caught Joohyun staring at her at all, which is more suspicious than catching her. She should ask Joohyun about it, she should make any sort of overture. But Seungwan is not brave, though she wishes she could be.

She is trying to be subtle. And if it were anyone else, it would work. But Seungwan knows Joohyun like a well loved, well worn book. And Seungwan is slyer than anyone suspects.

She’s spent so long paying attention to Joohyun that she’s unconsciously picked up on her habits. It starts small: she remembers favourite drinks and fabric softeners and it grows from there, they end up sharing dreams and hopes and things best left unsaid, and as Seungwan learns more about her, she falls deeper.

Seungwan doesn’t notice she’s falling at first. She’s taking small steps toward Joohyun and when ground crumbles beneath her feet, and she goes down, down, down. She realizes after, when she’s battered and bruised, and stuck within earthen walls. She’s fallen and she can’t get back up. Seungwan can claw at the walls all she likes, she'll end up with bloody fingers and torn nails, having not moved an inch.

Whatever she feels for Joohyun, it’s hard to get rid of, it’s difficult to face and Seungwan wants to run, but she _can’t_.

It won’t go away. Not with the amount of time they spend together, not with how wonderful she knows Joohyun is. Joohyun is caring and Joohyun is kind, she takes care of Seungwan and everybody else because that’s just the kind of person she is. Sometime she wishes that Joohyun was cruel, beautiful in looks and terrible in temperament. She thinks it would be easier to hate her then.

Hating Joohyun would be easier than whatever she feels now.

And Joohyun knows the way she feels. Seungwan had seen the comprehension in her eyes, the minute parting of her lips, and the tenseness that had not left her for days.

And all Seungwan can do is wait. She made her move, accidentally, but made none the less. It hovers between them, unwilling to leave. There should be a push and a pull, they should be giving in equal measure to whatever is between them. But they don’t. So Joohyun pretends nothing happens and Seungwan lets her.

In the middle of the night, when she’s lurking in the stairwell and listening to songs she knows will make her sad, Seungwan allows herself to indulge in idle fantasies. It’s always a different world. One where Joohyun is hers and she is Joohyun’s. One where Joohyun answers Seungwan’s feelings with her own.

She still does not know what Joohyun feels for her. She knows Joohyun is afraid. But she does not know why. Is she fearful of Seungwan’s feelings ruining their group dynamic? Is she scared of Seungwan’s sexuality? Is she afraid they’re too close?

Pretending that nothing happened is not an answer. But it is the one Joohyun chose. And Seungwan _will_ respect that.

But right now, Seungwan is confused. She respects Joohyun's decision, yes, but it doesn’t give her any sort of closure. And so here she stays, trapped in a pit of unrequited feelings, unanswered and brushed aside.

Seungwan wishes that she has somebody to confide in. Somebody that understands exactly what she’s going through, somebody that has or had feelings for a group member, somebody that will be able to give her decent advice. Advice that is painful and harsh and true.

Because as much as she appreciates being set up on dates and encouraged to move on by Tiffany and Taeyeon, she knows that unless she resolves whatever is between her and Joohyun, nothing will help.

They are comfort and consolation, but she needs the bitter truth.

 

  
Seungwan stands in the kitchen desperately trying to get her steak done the way she likes. The other girls had looked horrified when she mentioned that she liked her steak rare, apparently it’s _too bloody_. Weaklings, the lot of them. She likes her beef juicy. Lots of people do.

There’s oil and heat and smoke and she lets her guard down enough that she doesn’t notice Joohyun sneaking in.

She forgets that the older girl is home with her. Which is a beginner’s mistake because Joohyun is always home. she’s a homebody and will not leave the house unless she absolutely has to.

To this day, Seungwan’s only ever seen her step out of her own free will once and that was when she had run out of fabric softener. She had come home looking like a feral cat, eyes large and teeth bared, shaking from head to toe, and clutching the bottle like a lifeline.

Whenever Seungwan sees that the fabric softener is getting low, she swings by the supermarket and picks up a new one. She likes shopping alone, she can spend as long as she wants thinking.

Joohyun speaks when she’s cutting up the beef and Seungwan nearly slices off a finger. “I finished up the laundry. I put your things on your bed. They’re still warm and they smell nice.”

None of this is new, and Seungwan greatly appreciates her actions, but Joohyun usually doesn’t go out of her way to give status updates. There’s probably something she wants if Seungwan’s being cornered like this.

“Thanks, unnie. Did you want some steak?” She gestures to the meat on the chopping block with the tip of her knife.

Joohyun takes a long look at bloody meat. She tries to look like she’s seriously considering it, but Seungwan knows better. Joohyun swallows heavily, gaze flitting between the bloody meat and Seungwan’s face.

“T-thank you, but I’ve already eaten.” Her response is whispered to the floor.

Seungwan, who’s been in the kitchen the entire day, knows that she’s lying, but Joohyun’s trying not to be rude, so it’d be mean to point it out.

“More for me then. I need the protein anyway. It’s summer soon, so, sun’s out, guns out.” She lifts the meat with the blade of her life and slides it onto the plate and drizzles the sesame sauce over it. She moves to leave the kitchen, knowing that if Joohyun has anything more to say, she’ll have to say it now.

“The blazer…” It’s mumbled under her breath and Seungwan wouldn’t have heard it if she didn’t have sharp ears and wasn’t hyper-aware of Joohyun’s presence. She pretends not to hear. If Joohyun wants to talk, she’ll have to make an effort. Seungwan’s been on edge for weeks and she isn’t going to make it easy.

“I left the blazer on your chair.” Joohyun is louder this time and Seungwan makes a point to stop.

She had honestly forgotten about Krystal’s blazer. She remembers putting it on a hanger and then she’s not too sure what she did with it afterwards. Seungwan should really return it. On one of her off days, when she had been incredibly bored without anything to do, she’d browsed the Blanc & Eclare website for fun.

She’d never really understood high end fashion. The pieces are either extravagant and completely impractical, or they’re so generic that Seungwan could pick some up at the market at a fifth of the price tag.

Maybe she’s just not a fashion person. Seungwan wears things that are casual and comfortable and doesn’t require much ironing. Sometimes she thinks that Joohyun’s wardrobe consists entire of pieces that _have_ to be ironed.

That specific blazer is part of some collection or other and the price tag had made her jaw drop. She really, really needs to return it soon. The longer it stays in her room, the more stressed she’s going to get.

“Thanks for reminding me. I need to return it soon. It’s just been hanging in my room for ages. Should I fold it and put it in a little bag? Or should I get one of those garment bags?” Seungwan has never had to return such a fancy item of clothing before.

“There’s actually quite a few recommended folds for transporting suit jackets and blazers. I’ll do it for you and then I’ll put it in one of the canvas bags that Sooyoung hid around the house.”

“The custom fruit ones?”

“Yes.”

“I wonder how many they got.”

After their latest comeback, Sooyoung and Yerim had all but forced Seulgi to design fruit versions of all of them. They had then proceed to purchase an untold number of bags with the designs. She found one in the fridge and another beneath her pillow. Apparently one had also been stuck to the ceiling of Seulgi’s room. Seungwan does’t know why they did what they did. She suspects that they just like the chaos.

“Are you going to see _her_ again?” Joohyun sounds a little too nonchalant, apart from the emphasis.

“Who?” The question is sharp and sudden.

"Your date.”

“Probably. I need to return her blazer.”

“That’s not what I meant.” It comes out more aggressive than either of them expect. Joohyun recoils, as if surprised by her own vehemence.

Seungwan sighs. Joohyun has straightened to her full height. She’s always been the shorter one of the two and literally staring her down is one of Joohyun’s favourite intimidation techniques. Why is she even interested in Seungwan’s date?

“What _did_ you mean then?” She crosses her arms and stares right back.

“You know what I mean.”

“No. I don’t know what you mean.” Body language can only tell you so much. And Seungwan’s had enough. She digs her nails into her palms and relishes in the sting.

She doesn’t want to hurt her. She doesn’t want to scare her. She wants Joohyun to be happy and healthy and carefree, and if it means keeping her emotional turmoil buried, then Seungwan will do that. Joohyun means so much to her, and Seungwan does not want to damage their relationship beyond repair.

Being around Joohyun these past few weeks is driving her insane. She’s been keeping her emotions on a short leash, suppressing them and ignoring them, unwilling to let them lose in case she distresses Joohyun.

But Seungwan is terribly, terribly human and it doesn’t matter how hard she tries to be good, she’s bound to slip up eventually.

Seungwan is nice, she is selfless, she gives too much and takes too little. She quashes all selfish desire, any negative emotion, and puts everyone else ahead. She keeps it all under lock and key and makes sure to never slip up.

It’s that aspect of her that now wakes. It roars, furious, from the deep, dark forgotten parts of herself that Seungwan ignores.

“Because you _never_ explain. Because you _never_ give a single, tiny hint about what’s happening in your head. I can’t read minds you know.” Seungwan knows how it feels to hurt. And Seungwan knows how to hurt.

Joohyun looks shocked. There’s a nervous flick of pink tongue before perfect teeth sink into a lower lip. She takes in a deep breath, gathering herself. “What’s gotten into you? This isn’t like you at all, Seungwan.”

Just because she puts Joohyun on a pedestal doesn’t mean she’s ignorant of her flaws. It seems that she knows Joohyun better than Joohyun knows her. The gnawing bitterness inside her multiples tenfold at the realisation and Seungwan chuckles, mirthless and cold.

“This is _exactly_ like me. It’s not my fault you didn’t notice.”

She moves swiftly out of the kitchen. This time it is Joohyun who’s left behind.

 

 

Seungwan finds herself on Taeyeon’s couch once again. Taeyeon and Tiffany look suitably terrified and she sits in quiet satisfaction. She takes a sip from her apology tea. It’s just the way she likes it. She can practically taste their despair and it is _exquisite_.

She tries to remain displeased, but finds that she can’t, not with the two of them looking so apologetic. They’re on their knees, looking at her with large, guilty eyes and she can’t find the heart to stay angry. She’d gotten a little revenge early today anyway. Seungwan wonders when they’ll notice.

After erupting at Joohyun yesterday, she finds that she is more mellow and relaxed. There’s not longer any tension in her shoulders and she had slept like the dead last night. She is also far more receptive to apologies that she should be.

The room is brightly lit today and not as ominous as before. Krystal’s sprawled on a nearby beanbag sipping bubble tea. It’s a welcome surprise.

Seungwan starts off, “I’m not angry, I’m ju-“

“Disappointed?” She glowers very, very slightly at Krystal’s interruption.

“Yes, thank you.”

“No problem, _dad_.”

Tiffany somehow thinks that this is an appropriate time to cut in.”Ohhhhh. Kinky.” She wiggles her eyes brows suggestively. Seungwan and Krystal somehow manage to blurt out denials at the same time.

“I’m not into that.” “She’s not into that.” Someone gives away more than they should.

“Well, well, well. This is enlightening.” There’s a gleam in Tiffany’s eyes that Seungwan is beginning to recognise. It’s the look she gets when she plots and it never ends well for those involved.

“I don’t get it?” Taeyeon is confused. She turns from person to person, looking for answers.

There’s a quiet sigh before Tiffany leans down to whisper in her ear, When it’s over, Taeyeon is a scandalised red and very, very quiet. She mumbles something inaudible before fleeing the basement.

“So, how was the date?” It’s Tiffany that breaks the silence, so blasé that Seungwan has to blink twice.

“It was good.”

“Well obviously, I’ve been told we’re pretty great at this.” Her smug grin is infuriating. Seungwan didn’t know it was possible for Tiffany to look this annoying.

“It was good, but Krystal isn’t looking for anything serious and I’m hung up over Joohyun-unnie. Did you think setting me up with random people would magically make my feelings for her vanish. This isn’t a movie you know.”

“Hey! I’m not random people!”Krystal chooses this moment to pipe up. Seungwan ignores her.

“I need help dealing with my feelings. I don’t need to meet somebody new. And I don’t need to go on more dates.” Seungwan stares her straight in the eyes, unblinking. Tiffany’s eyes stop twinkling.

“Did you feel better after?” Taeyeon interrupts, making her presence known to the room. There’s half a bottle of soju in her hand and she’s swaying slightly. Tiffany hurriedly pulls her onto the couch.

“I…” Seungwan thinks back. She had enjoyed herself and she had felt better after.

“I did.” It comes out only slightly grudgingly.

“Then that’s all that matters. Tiff and I aren’t setting you up with people just for fun. Well we are, but it’s not just romantically. You’ve been spending too much time around Joohyun-ssi. You don’t like going out and that’s fine.” Taeyeon puts the bottle to her lips and takes loud gulps.

Tiffany continues for her. “If you stay in the house, you’ll be around her. You’ll be in your own room, doing your own thing, but we all know she’ll get into your head one way or another. These dates are a way of helping you let off steam. If you laugh and eat and enjoy yourself, you’ll be less likely to think about her.”

“Exactly!” At Taeyeon’s exclamation, Tiffany turns to stare into her yes. After a beat, they nod at each other and Taeyeon takes back over.

“Look, trust us ok. You’ll either meet someone that will sweep you off your feet or you’ll have fun, expand your comfort zone, and make some new friends. There are practically no downsides. Just think of it as hanging out with friends. Who you might or might not be into. Doesn’t matter, just have fun."

Seungwan considers their words. They have a point. And her night with Krystal was the most relaxing thing she had done in a while. Even if it was completely unexpected.

“Our date was pretty cool wasn’t it?” Krystal smiles at her, earnest and puppy-like and Seungwan can’t help but smile back.

“Yes it was.”

“Good.”

“Seungwan?”

“I want to keep doing this.”

“Good. Can you think of anything else that might help?”

“Not at the moment. No.”

“Ok. Well if you do, tell us okay? We like feedback and we’re doing this to help you out. If you feel uncomfortable or just don’t want to, we can stop at anytime.”

“I will. Thank you, Tiffany-unnie, Taeyeon-unnie.”

“Oi! Thank me too!”

“I already did. After the date. Remember?”

“Yea. You didn’t look that moved though!”

“Well you weren’t _that_ moving. Oh. Also, I still have your blazer.”

“Huh. I was wondering where that went.”

“When do you want it back?”

“Keep it for a bit. Wear it on your next date. I helped out with this one.”

“…..”

Seungwan worries about Krystal’s match making skills.

 

Seungwan’s in her room, dusting off her bookshelf when her phone vibrates multiples times. She knows it’s about her date tonight. She thinks that it’s pretty terrible planning telling her about her date on the day.

She should probably tell them that.

Instead of instructions, she gets three very, very long messages.

_Ok. Well your next date is tonight. I’ll come and give you a lift. You’ll be eating at her house today, so you don’t need to worry about being hounded by the paps. Ok, here’s some advice. If there’s a piece of decor that doesn’t match, DO NOT comment on it or she’ll glare at you for the entire night. DO NOT get any food on her outfit, because she WILL end you. DO NOT ignore her and play with your phone or she’ll log into your account and change your password so you’ll have to pay attention to her. And lastly, treat her like the princess that she is or I WILL end you. Good luck, knock ‘em dead kid._

Taeyeon seems to have a very interesting relationship with her date, whoever it is.

She moves on to the next.

_Don’t worry sweetie, you’ll be fine. She’s lovely and nowhere near as scary as she looks. Though Tae might tell you differently… Make sure you compliment her hair and makeup, she always spends time getting it perfect and eyeliner like that deserves to be recognised. Oh and TALK to her. Not small talk, talk talk, the deep stuff, you know what I mean. You remind me of her, you know. You’re both quiet people with loud personalities when people get to know you and I think that the two of you have the potential for a beautiful friendship. Oh and if you hurt her, I’ll have to bring out the burn book. Good luck, hun. xoxo T_

After reading through Tiffany’s vaguely threatening message, Seungwan opens Krystal’s.

_Ok. Pro tip. You want to look good, because otherwise, even though you are a top shelf cutie, you’ll look like a hobo next to her. Trust me on this. Remember the blazer I so chivalrously lent you? Wear it. Trust me. You’ll score bonus points. Ok, well that’s all the date advice I got. You’re both oldies anyway. You can talk about things ‘back in the day’ and all that. Pls don’t die._

She now has a very, very good idea of who her date maybe. Oh dear.


	4. Chapter 4

It’s only after finishing lunch that Seungwan realises Taeyeon never mentioned what time she was coming to pick her up. She does not want to be unprepared. Especially if her date is who she suspects.

She desperately scrambles for her phone before realising that she’s elbow deep in soap suds and that she should probably finish the dishes before she tries to send a message. Dropping her phone in murky dish water once is enough.

When the dishes are drying and her hands are finally soap free, Seungwan hops onto the counter and shoots Taeyeon a text. _Hey. You never mentioned what time you were gonna give me a lift?_

Seungwan messages Krystal for help after. _Yo. So how should I dress? Casual? Formal? Dressed to the nines? Pls help I don’t wanna die :(_

She sits and swings her legs back and forth. She hopes that they reply soon. Seungwan knows that she’s indecisive and will take a lengthy amount of time to decide on an outfit. The kitchen is silent and Seungwan can hear the fridge.

She remembers the time before; a time where everything was easier, simpler, before her affections for Joohyun had consumed her. They had changed her. She realises that now.

Back when Red Velvet was newly formed, when they were crammed into a tiny dorm without personal space or privacy, when there was no balcony to escape to, Seungwan would tiptoe into the kitchen when she was sure all the members were sleep. There she’d lean back against the fridge, back flush against the cool metal and let its humming lull her to sleep.

She _always_ set an alarm, making sure it would vibrate so that it would wake her and nobody else, allowing her to creep back into bed before anybody noticed.

Seungwan thinks she had liked the metallic chill and the comforting hum. When they moved to a bigger, newer dorm, she had missed the fridge most of all. Their new fridge doesn’t hum like the old one and she can’t sneak into the kitchen at night, not with Sooyoung and Seulgi’s penchant for midnight snacks.

Still, when she’s in the kitchen and not cooking, Seungwan is always vigilant. It’s a conditioned response from all the late nights she spent sitting in the dark and trying not to get caught. She’s good at not getting caught.

Seungwan hears footsteps heading towards the kitchen. Seulgi lopes, always eager, and Sooyoung’s steps are heavy. Yerim is a pitter patter of tiny feet, small body darting to and fro. These are slow, measured and she _knows_ that it’s Joohyun. Her heart starts thundering in her ears and Seungwan knows it is time to go.

Though share the same living space, she’s managed to successfully avoid Joohyun since their last encounter. Every time she sees a hint of dark hair, a flash of pale skin, Seungwan  turns and flees. It feels a lot like defeat, it tastes like ashes and regret on her tongue.

She grabs her phone and slides off the counter furtively. She doesn’t want to meet Joohyun here, not when the hurt remains.

She sneaks out the opposite direction, before Joohyun enters the room.

 

 

Seungwan slips into her room, gently closing her door before throwing herself onto the bed. She bounces once, twice before settling onto her back. She crosses her arms over her eyes, until all she sees is blackness and then she finally allows herself to breathe.

She doesn’t like the light in her room. She hates the illumination it casts; it’s too white, too bright, and everything looks too real.

When Seungwan sees her reflection, she’s looking at someone else. When she looks down at her hands, her flesh is tinged with something that is not quite right. There’s something about her smile that is wrong, that she detests. Mirrors always show the truth and she hates them for it.

She does not know how she looks in the light of day. She wonders whether anyone has noticed that she is not the same.

Seungwan does not recognise who she has become. Seungwan has lost herself. There’s tiny fragments of her scattered around: on the balcony, in the stairwell, in Taeyeon’s basement, in the kitchen. But the greatest pieces of her, she had left with Joohyun.

Seungwan wonders if she will ever get them back.

Sometimes when she is freshly woken and not quite aware, she thinks that there’s a hole in her chest. There’s an unrelenting ache and a dull throb. It does not hurt, but she is missing _something._

She does not like this, she realises. She hates being helpless, hates letting someone have this much control over her, hates that she is this weak. Seungwan needs to get her shit together. And she needs to do it soon.  She can’t avoid Joohyun forever. Even if she wants to.

The sudden vibration startles her out of her morbid thoughts. Seungwan nestles underneath the covers and checks her phone. Taeyeon has finally replied.

_Oh shit, my bad. I’ll pick you up around 7. It’ll be a short drive. She always eats at 7:30. Always. It’s kinda creepy actually now that I think about it..._

It’s 1:20 and Seungwan has time to kill. Her bed is warm and soft and inviting, and she wants to take a nap, but then she remembers that she has eaten recently. She settles for ironing all the tops in her wardrobe that she considers date-worthy. Her jeans are black, the exact same shade as the blazer and Seungwan is glad she has one less item of clothing to worry about.

She’s in the middle of ironing a cropped t-shirt that she doesn’t think is hers — it’s baby pink and has ‘BAD BITCH’ across the front in white letters — when her phone goes off again. Seungwan switches the iron off. She doesn’t want to burn herself again.

Once is enough. Seungwan always learns her lessons.

 _Casual_ ╮(╯_╰)╭

A one word reply and an emoji. Krystal is absolutely no help. That little shit.

Her phone goes off again.

_I’m coming up now, get your hopefully well-dressed ass to the door will ya?_

Seungwan curses. She grabs the nearest top she can find, a white t-shirt, and struggles to get into her skinny jeans. They’re tight, but damn, do her legs look good. They also have pockets. She fumbles around her desk for her wallet, throws the blazer over her shoulders, and heads out to meet Taeyeon.

 

 

She finds Taeyeon already inside. With Joohyun. Who seems to be staring her down. _Oh dear._

She’s sitting on the couch, pale and quailing beneath the force of Joohyun’s glare and Seungwan winces. The set of Joohyun’s jaw is particularly stubborn and she knows that they need to leave before she gets confrontational. She shivers when she sees the barest hint of teeth.

Well, she won’t be avoiding Joohyun today after all. It was good while it lasted. She steels herself. She can do this. Preferably before Joohyun tears Taeyeon limb from limb, Seungwan doesn’t know why she’s this aggressive.

"Taeyeon-unnie, Joohyun-unnie.”

They both turn to face her.  She would find the look of relief on Taeyeon’s face hilarious if Joohyun’s piercing eyes weren’t focused on her.

“Seungwan.” Taeyeon stands.

“Seungwan.” Joohyun’s gaze does not leave her face. Though it dips momentarily to her blazer.

“Looking good, it’s date night, let’s go.” Taeyeon’s nervousness is palpable, and tangled words fall out of her mouth.

“ _What._ ” It’s almost growled out, and when Joohyun snaps to face her, Taeyeon gulps audibly. There’s a gleam of something dark in Joohyun’s eyes. Taeyeon pales further.

Seungwan thinks she should probably save her. She cuts in. “Taeyeon-unnie is giving me a lift.”

Said unnie frantically nods in agreement.

“Ah.” Joohyun uncrosses her arms. Somehow she’s still intimidating. “Are you returning the blazer?” Joohyun sounds calm, but Seungwan knows better. There’s still tension in her jaw and she’s trying to not grind her teeth. Seungwan can tell. She can _always_ tell.

“Nah. That blazer’s someone else’s. She’s got a different date tonight.” Taeyeon needs to learn to think before she speaks. And that is a lesson Seungwan is suddenly very, very eager to teach.

“ _A  different date_.” She feels the fury in Joohyun’s words reverberate in her bones and knows that they need to leave. Now.

She forcibly drags Taeyeon out the door and throws a goodbye over her shoulder. Seungwan can’t resist throwing Joohyun’s words back at her.

“Bye, unnie. Don’t worry.  I’m sure she’ll take _good care_ of me.”

Seungwan is pettier than Joohyun thinks. She wonders if she’ll learn.

 

 

“Well…”

 

Taeyeon draws her attention away from the monotonous view and she is relieved. She’s been trying to distract herself by staring out the window. It did not work.

“Joohyun-ssi is terrifying. I felt like she wanted to flay me alive. And when I said it was date night, I thought she would rip out my vocal chords with her teeth. Do you _like_ your women intimidating or something?”

“Joohyun-unnie isn’t scary at all. She’s just misunderstood.” People always assume things about Joohyun; paint her into something that she is not, and Seungwan will defend her until the end of her days.

She might be in deeper than she initially thought.

“Riiiight. Man, you’ve got it bad.” Taeyeon’s eyes flicker to her briefly and Seungwan worries about her safety.

“And no. I don’t like intimidating women.”

“Could’ve fooled me.” It’s muttered under her breath but Seungwan has always had sharp ears.

“ _Excuse me_.” She lets a trickle of displeasure bleed through.

“Nothing.” Taeyeon coughs. It is not convincing. “Is there anything you wanted me to tell you about your date tonight?”

“Nothing about the date itself, no. But I think it’s a really, really bad idea that you tell me about my dates on the day. It’s always so last minute and I never have enough time to prepare.”

“Noted and will bring up to Tiff later. Anything else?”

“Nope.”

“Ok, good. If you think of anything else, tell me, ok? Now, let’s talk about your date.”

“What about her?”

“It’s Jessica.”

“Yes?”

“Jessica. Jessica Jung? You know?”

“I know who Jessica Jung is, all of South Korea does.”

“Well, Jess is a dear friend of mine.”

“Oh, you don’t say. I had absolutely no idea the two of you knew each other. Does she like SNSD?” Seungwan wishes Taeyeon would get to the point. She’s been worrying her lip between her teeth the moment Jessica was mentioned. Seungwan doesn’t want her to bleed.

“Look, she’s very, very important to me alright. You both are. But she’s special. You’re a really good friend, but Jess is o—“

Taeyeon cuts herself off abruptly, hands gripping the wheel so hard her knuckles turn chalk white.

“J-jess is…” She takes short sharp breaths and does not continue.

There’s a sigh. It sounds like defeat to Seungwan’s ears and she does not know why.

“Please. Just take care of her tonight ok? Do it for me. She deserves the sun.” Taeyeon meets her eyes for a brief moment and Seungwan reels. She sees grief, raw and true and really, the choice was never hers to make.

“I will.” She’s never seen Taeyeon like this. And Seungwan is sure that she wishes to never see it again.

“Promise me.”

“I promise.”

Taeyeon drives in silence and Seungwan stares out the window. Nobody speaks until Taeyeon parks. It hasn’t been like this between them before. And she wonders.

“We’re here. Come on.”

Seungwan steps out and finds that they’re in an underground car park. Taeyeon leads and she follows. She’s led upstairs, through a luxurious lobby and into an elevator. The concierge seems to be making an effort to ignore them, though she sees Taeyeon nod at him as they pass.

She ends up standing outside a door. It’s a rich, dark wood and has 6012 on it in elegant golden letters.

“This is it. Take care of her for me.” Taeyeon leaves without another word. And Seungwan doesn’t know what to think. She’s never see her like this before.

 

 

Seungwan knocks once, knocks twice and waits. There’s a rattling of locks and then the door opens slightly. She stares at pretty brown eyes and pretty brown eyes stare back.

“J-Jessica?”

“Yes, that’s me. You must be Seungwan. It’s lovely to meet you. Come on inside, I’ve just finished dinner. Follow me please.” Jessica swings the door wide open and Seungwan enters.

She follows Jessica through the apartment, taking in the decor and making sure not to knock anything over. Jessica’s apartment  is well furnished, themed around modern, monochrome and metallic pieces, and Seungwan detects an undercurrent of something warm.

They end up in the kitchen where Jessica pulls a chair out in invitation. Seungwan politely sits.

“Thank you. You have a lovely home.”

“No problem.”

She sees Jessica repress a wince. They are both stiff and she can feel awkwardness start to permeate the room. She does not know why anybody would think matching them up would be a good idea.

“I made japchae. Hope you like it.”

“Ah. Thank you.”

The food is delicious and Seungwan tells her as much, but the awkwardness around them only grows and she doesn’t know how to make it go away. She’s never been good with people.

Jessica relocates them to the living room. The couch is incredibly soft but Seungwan’s spine is stiff. Jessica looks like she feels the same.

“Ohhh! Is that a Blanc & Eclare blazer? It looks good on you.” She hears the delight and pride in Jessica’s voice and is glad she followed Krystal’s advice.

“Yea. It’s Krystal’s actually. She insisted I wear it tonight. Said you’d give me bonus points.” Her chuckles are stilted.

Jessica snaps her fingers. “Ten points for you Son Seungwan, good job Son Seungwan.”

“Did you just Mean Girls me? That’s so fetch!”

"Seungwan, stop trying to make fetch happen. It’s not going to happen.”

They both giggle and the room feels a little lighter.

“So… why are Tiffany and Taeyeon assigning people to butter your muffin anyway?”

“They’re just trying to help me out I guess…”

“Mhhh. You don’t have to talk about it if you don’t want to There’s no pressure and I’m not going to push you. Take your time. Oh, by the way, how did you even get to my place? Did you taxi?”

“Taeyeon gave me a lift, actually.”

“Tae was here? She didn’t even say hi…” Jessica trails off and starts to shred her napkin to pieces. She stares down at the table and does not meet Seungwan’s eyes.

“She told me to take care of you and then she left. She didn’t say anything else...And..uh…” She stares down at her fingers, tapping them on the table.

“What is it? What happened  with Tae?” There’s something in Jessica’s voice. Seungwan does not know what it is, but it is there now, when it was not before.

She looks up and Jessica’s eyes are blazing. Seungwan’s throat is suddenly dry. She swallows, but it doesn’t change a thing.

“Sh-she said you were important. And that you’re special.” Jessica smiles, small and sad, and Seungwan finds the courage to continue. “ I think she wanted to say more but she cut herself off. She went paper white. Like even paler than she normally is. And she made me promise to take care of you.”

“That idiot. Those, stupid, selfless, fucking idiots.” There’s a sniffle and a strangled sob, and then Jessica is crying.  She does not know what to do. She is terrible with people, especially crying people. And then Seungwan remembers mournful eyes. ‘ _Promise me.’_

She remembers Taeyeon’s arms and Tiffany’s hands in her hair and the comfort they had brought. Seungwan finds the tiny strand of courage she had long hidden away and pulls. She shifts on the couch, wrapping her arms around Jessica and pulling her close.

Seungwan holds her while she cries, feels the tears soak into her shirt and the sobs that wrack Jessica’s petite frame. It’s all she can do. She doesn’t what what to do. She doesn’t know what she can do.

Jessica stops crying, but keeps her face buried in Seungwan’s shirt.

“Thank you.” It’s muffled. Seungwan still understands. She attempts to pat her back soothingly.

“They are idiots you know.”

“Who?” Seungwan thinks she has some idea.

“Tiff And Tae.”

“Why?”

“They know I love them and they still try to set me up with _anyone_ else.”

“Oh.” She hadn’t suspected that.

“And I know they feel something for me. But they never say it.”

Seungwan recalls lengthy messages and sad eyes and makes sure to think before she speaks.

“I think that they definitely feel something. They both sent long, threatening messages about treating you right. And Taeyeon was in a really, weird angsty mood after asking me to take care of you.”

“Tae’s always been absurdly selfless and Tiff never stops her. They’re trying to get us together so that we’ll both be less sad or something like that. They both think they’re relationship experts, but in reality they don’t even know what they want. God, they’re idiots, but I love them anyway. Why does everything have to be so fucking tragic.” She dabs at her eyes angrily with her sleeve.

Seungwan feels compelled to share, she wants to tell Jessica about Joohyun. She needs to tell her; show her that she is not alone.

“I have feelings for my group mate.” It’s a confession she’s only made once.

Jessica wipes her eyes. They are watery and red, she looks pretty anyway.

“Which one? You’re the only member of Red Velvet I’m familiar with, I don’t have any mutuals with any of the other members.”

"Joohyun-unnie.” At Jessica’s blank expression, she elaborates. “Irene.”

“Oh. Her. Guess we both want people we’re not supposed to have. Intergroup dating is always messy.” She smiles. It’s self-deprecating and Seungwan wants to wipe it off her face. She sees that expression whenever she looks in a mirror. She knows it. She hates it. She realises that Tiffany was right in assuming that Jessica and her could become good friends. They are more alike than people realise.

"It’s hard. Because we’re groupmates, yes. But also because she won’t talk to me. Because she never says anything that means something. Because these feelings won’t fucking go away. And no matter how hard or how fast I run,  I can’t ever escape. I feel like I’m going crazy and I’m losing myself.”

Seungwan has never said this to anybody else. She had kept it locked up in the dark corners of her mind and let it fester into something repulsive.

“I went to Tiffany and Taeyeon for help.”

“And the best they could come up with was to throw you at other people until you find someone else. How original.”

“Yea. Krystal was my first date, you’re my second.”

“Well that explains it. They won’t face their feelings, so they throw me at other people. Now that you’re here they’re throwing us at each other, typical. I’m sorry Seungwan. I don’t think it’s going to work for us.”

“It’s fine. I didn’t expect it to. All I wanted was to get Joohyun-unnie out of my head. Maybe talk to someone that understands.”

“Well, you lucky you got me then. Oh, actually...”

Jessica opens and closes her mouth, seemingly unable to come to a decision. She holds up a single finger and puts it back down.

“I actually have a really good, tested and true method of sorting out feeling for groupmates. It helped me untangle all my feelings, so trust me, it works. Are you up for it?”

Jessica’s throwing her a lifeline and Seungwan would be foolish not to take it.

“Yes.”

“Good. Move in with me.”

  
  



	5. Interlude

When a familiar figure steps out of the car, Krystal’s jaw drops. She snaps it shut and hopes that nobody had seen. 

Son Seungwan. Krystal could kiss Taeyeon out of sheer gratitude. Son Seungwan is going to be her model. She forgives Taeyeon for bailing out and resolves to buy her cake. Probably something fancy and expensive that she’ll devour in seconds and won’t appreciate. But Krystal does not mind, because, well, Son Seungwan is hers tonight.

Krystal remembers the first time she sees Seungwan. A girl much like the rest; dark-haired, dark-eyed, pretty in the way that most idol hopefuls tended to be. Krystal dismisses her. 

Idols are forged through hard work and dedication, that much is true. But only the ones that make it, the ones that survive, know that Idolhood is baptism by fire. The heat tempers them, shapes them, makes them strong. All that remains of the weak are ashes, dreams and names soon forgotten.  

Seungwan takes the stage and seizes the breath from her lungs. And Krystal is left reeling. She curses her foolishness then, curses her ignorant eyes as Seungwan is seared into her very being. What is seen can never be unseen. For weeks after, whenever she closes her eyes, Seungwan appears in a halo of fire. 

She burns brighter, hotter than the rest and that’s when Krystal knows. Seungwan is going to be an idol, Seungwan is going to be great. And it saddens her. Because Son Seungwan is as incandescent as the sun itself and she’ll burning anyone and anything that gets too close. 

The first time they’re face to face, Seungwan is shaking. She bows and apologises and tries to hold back tears. She’s feeling terrified, inadequate, lonely and Krystal decides, then and there, that Seungwan is a force of nature and tells her so. Seungwan leaves the room glowing. And Krystal smiles.

She debuts as predicted and Krystal smiles.

Red Velvet takes South Korea by storm and she is so, so proud. 

She stops smiling when she realises the world doesn’t see what she does; that it’s blind to Seungwan’s radiance. By the time they realise, it’ll be too late.

 Seungwan burns twice as bright, but she’ll only burn half as long. And when they notice eventually, because they always do, just a step too late, just a moment too soon, as it always is, all they’ll have left is the cold that the absence of Seungwan’s light brings.

They are more than acquaintances and less than friends. Krystal is happy with that. 

She thinks the girl is a walking masterpiece; a study in aesthetic satisfaction. There’s a certain tranquility that overtakes her when she’s in Seungwan’s presence. And Krystal knew then, what she knows now, that admiring Seungwan from afar  is enough. It has to be.

Sometimes Krystal imagines trying to catch the sun. Imagines the inferno at her fingertips. She dreams of wings and wax and the cold embrace of the ocean. 

She offers her arm with a shy smile and when Seungwan takes it, heat flares between her shoulder blades. She does not touch Seungwan again that night.

Krystal is charming and  Seungwan is charmed and she knows that there could be something between them. She knows that there is someone between them. She doesn’t know who it is, but she hopes that they are just brilliant, just as magnetic as Seungwan is. There's worlds between them, this Krystal knows. So, she'll toe the line and she'll play it safe. And she hopes that one day Seungwan will find someone that is worthy of her. 

She's been baptised by fire and she knows that Seungwan burns more than it ever could. 

 

 


	6. Chapter 6

“M-move in? With you?” Seungwan thinks that she misheard. There’s not way Jessica is asking her to move in. Not after just one date.

“Yes.” Well, Jessica certainly moves fast. She’s bewildering and Seungwan suspects she knows why Taeyeon’s relationship with her is so...unique.

That or Taeyeon’s got a masochistic streak the size of Greenland (much bigger than anyone suspects).

Seungwan doesn’t want to know.

“Why?” She fiddles with both sleeves and tries to ignore the stain on her shirt. They’re both pretending that Jessica didn’t burst into tears. And that Seungwan isn’t terrible at giving comfort. It’s for the best.

“Trust me on this. You move in with me, you’ll sort out those pesky feelings. How are you supposed to make an objective judgement when you are _literally_ living with the girl of your dreams?”

Seungwan considers it carefully. Jessica has a point. She lives with Joohyun, she works with Joohyun, she spends every waking moment within Joohyun’s sphere of influence. It’s surprising that she didn’t notice until Jessica mentions it.

It’s an indication of how much everything is getting to her, that Seungwan genuinely contemplates accepting Jessica’s offer. Usually she would spend weeks agonising over a decision like this. She is horribly indecisive and she knows it. Everyone knows it. It’s a weakness that she has never remedied.

The offer is tempting, so so tempting, but she does not want to leave Joohyun. Not like this. There’s never been something of this intensity  between them and she’s worried that she’s going to cross a line. She isn’t even sure where the lines are drawn. She hopes she hasn’t crossed any.

Yes, she wants to run away from her feelings. But she doesn’t want Joohyun to think that she’s abandoning her, doesn’t want Joohyun to think that she’s being cast aside or replaced by someone else. She knows that it is a fear that plagues her often. And Seungwan will willingly take all the hurt, if it means that Joohyun will be spared.

She thinks she might be too soft. She thinks Joohyun makes her too weak. Seungwan thinks that she should care, but she doesn’t.

She wants to move in with Jessica. But Joohyun...Joohyun is...

“Don’t think about her.” Jessica reads her mind. It is uncanny.

“I wasn’t.” Seungwan has never been a particularly good liar.

“Of course you are. I recognise that face. It’s _my_ face. Don’t think about the consequences, don’t think about how she’ll react, just do what you need to. Moving out isn’t about her. It’s about _you._ ”

Of course Jessica would be able to read her face. They may have just met, but the girl is terrifyingly well versed in Seungwan’s many emotions. That and Seungwan has always been too expressive. It gives her away far too often.

“Isn’t it selfish? Just running away from it all? I think Joohyun-unnie deserves better than this.” ‘ _Better than me_ ’ remains unsaid. She thinks that Joohyun deserves someone that’s less insecure, less cowardly, someone that’s _nothing_ like Seungwan.

“You’re not running away forever. Sometimes you need to be selfish and put yourself first. Trust me. Being around her all the time doesn’t help at all. Once you move in, you’ll realise it too.”

“I...don’t know.” She is still hesitant, still unsure, much like always.

Jessica sighs. Eyes flickering down before boring into hers. They are cold and Seungwan flinches.

“Let’s talk feelings. So, you like Irene?”

“Yes. I like Joohyun-unnie.”

“Fine. Why?”

“W-what?” Nobody has asked her this before. They always commiserate with her, they always comfort her, they always let her take the easy way out. She never has to explain; they always side with her.

“Don’t play the fool Seungwan. We’re both better than that.” She should have known that Jessica won’t make this easy.

Jessica knows what Seungwan is thinking and feeling. Possibly better than herself. It alarms her more than it should. It angers her more that it should.

“Why do you want to know?” Seungwan hurls it like an insult, hoping that Jessica will be taken aback.

She isn’t. She just looks unimpressed.

“Are you this defensive because you don’t want to tell me? Or because you don’t know how to answer?” In that moment, Jessica no longer has any semblance of warmth or comfort. There’s a glint in her eyes that’s hard. And Seungwan knows that she’s being cruel to be kind. And that she’s been caught out.

“I-I...I’ll move in with you.”  She can’t answer the question, not right now; she knows that Jessica won’t accept anything else but the truth and she is not ready. She wonders if she ever will be.

Seungwan doesn’t even understand it herself. How is she supposed to explain it to someone else? How can she explain what Joohyun means to her? She knows it is feeling and fact, but she cannot put it into words. It remains nameless and formless and it haunts her so. 

“Thanks not the answer I was going for. But I’ll take it. I’m telling you now, if you can’t answer to my satisfaction by the time you want to leave, I won’t let you. We’ve bonded over this tragic shit, we’re tragic friends now and I’m not letting you fuck this up. ”

It’s tough love. Jessica will help her even if Seungwan dislikes her methods. Out of everyone she’s asked, Jessica is the most confronting, the most helpful. The most alike.

Seungwan knows that if she doesn’t take this chance, she won’t get another one. So she grabs it with both hands and does not let go.

“I’m okay with that.” She has to be.

“Also, before you move in, you need to talk to her. Really talk to her. Tell her that you need time for yourself. That you need time apart. And most importantly, that you’re doing this for you, and it’s _not_ her fault. She’s going to feel like this is an attack and you need to reassure her that it isn’t. Otherwise it’ll only get messier than it already is. Understand?”

“Yes.” Seungwan is already dreading the conversation. She can imagine the look on Joohyun’s face, see the anger and confusion that she’ll use to mask the hurt.

She doesn’t want to do this. She knows that she has to.

"Good. Now let’s work out the details. We need to make sure this doesn’t clash with your schedule. Do you have anything on soon?”

“Yea, but it’s all individual stuff.” They don’t have a comeback anytime soon and Seungwan had planned to spend months brooding over Joohyun and listening to sad songs. That’s not looking likely now. Jessica doesn’t seem like one to brood. She’s not likely to let Seungwan either.

“That’s actually pretty convenient. It’s fate!” Jessica claps twice before she continues. “How do you feel about moving in tomorrow?”

“Are you offering to help or?” Tomorrow is fine but Seungwan needs someone with a car, there’s not way she can make it all the way to Jessica’s apartment on public transport or a taxi. Especially not with her luggage. The media would go into a frenzy.

“Dear god, no. Manual labour is _not_ my thing.” A vindictive smile slithers across her face. “I’ll call Tae to help you. She’s got a car and it’s the least she could do after leaving without a hello. She won’t say no. Not to me.”

“You do know she’s a little terrified of you, right? I can see why now.”

“That’s my charm. And it works!” Jessica tosses her hair dramatically.

“Does it really?” Seungwan raises an eyebrow.

“She keeps coming back for more doesn’t she? And you’re one to talk about scary women. Irene isn’t exactly sugar and spice and everything nice.” Jessica aims exactly where Taeyeon did. Seungwan wonders if it’s going to be a common occurrence.

“Yes she is.” Joohyun is all of those things and more.

Jessica whistles sharply. “Whatever you say, I’m not going to argue with you, you’re blinded by love. I’ll never win.”

“I am not blinded by love!”

“That’s the delusion talking, sweetie.”

  


They talk about other things, lighter things and it’s almost as if Jessica never cried and confessed and Seungwan isn’t moving in tomorrow. There’s a bubble of comfort surrounding them.

Taeyeon’s message brings them back to their harsh reality. _Hey, I’m parked. I’ll wait for you in the lobby. Unless you’re not going home tonight. Which you better be, because I drove all the way here to pick you up._

She reads it aloud. Jessica rolls her eyes. “Tae is so passive aggressive. Wow. If she doesn’t want you to stay, she should just say so.”

“I should get going. Before she decides to come up here and drag me out.” Seungwan sneezes and it surprises her, that’s when she notices that Jessica’s apartment is a lot cooler than hers. She shivers in her seat and rubs her hands over thighs.

“Ah, sorry.”

“Bless you.” Jessica slaps a hand over her mouth. The sound snaps into Seungwan’s ears and she winces. It sounded painful.

“Oh shit. I’m sorry. I cried all over you, you must be freezing. I’ll go and get you something warm.”

“And dry!” Seungwan calls after her.

“That too!”

That’s when she remembers Krystal’s blazer. And it’s nightmare fuel price tag.

“Can you get me a jacket too? I need to return this to Krystal but i don’t see her often enough. Not to mention I don’t know what to return it in.” Mentioning that’s she’s terrified of the price probably isn’t a good idea. Especially not to Jessica. Definitely not to Jessica.

“Yea sure, I’ll grab you a hoodie. I’m sure you’ll be able to return those easily, since you’re  moving in and all.”

Seungwan types out a reply while she’s waiting for Jessica to return. OMW! Thanks for coming back to pick me up.

Soft things hit her in the face one by one and drop down into her lap. It feels familiar.

“Did you just _throw_ clothes at me? God, that is such a Krystal move!”

“Actually, it’s a Jessica move. She learnt it from _me_. Now go get changed and head down before Tae thinks you’re having your wicked way with me. You don’t want that. Though...jealous Tae is pretty cute...”

“Get changed here?!” She chooses to ignore Jessica’s last words.

“What no. The guest room is down the hall, second door on the right. Get acquainted. You’ll be sleeping there when you move in.”

“Oh thank god.”

“Tae’s still waiting you know.” It’s said sugary sweet and Seungwan bolts.

She  dashes into the guest room with an arm full of clothing  and rushes to get changed.  Only when she’s fully clothed does she realise that she’s in a soft grey shirt and a pink hoodie. It’s a very Jessica ensemble. And it does not suit her in the slightest. She hopes that it isn’t Blanc & Eclare.

She hears Jessica yell out. “If you’re done in there, I’ll be waiting by the door. Just leave the shirt and blazer on the bed, I’ll take care of them.”

Seungwan does as Jessica says.

She thinks about familiarising herself with the room, but decides not to. Taeyeon is still waiting and she doesn’t want a repeat of whatever it was that afternoon.

Looking back now, Seungwan understands. At least, she thinks she does. Jessica has feelings for Taeyeon and Tiffany. Taeyeon and Tiffany have feelings for Jessica. Except  they’re not doing a goddam thing about it except setting Jessica up with other people. And Jessica goes along with it to spend more time with them.

Taeyeon was obviously not happy about her date with Jessica. So Seungwan ponders why they even planned it to begin with. There’s obviously something there between the three of them.

They could be happy. If only they _let_ themselves.

Then again, things are already needlessly complicated between her and Joohyun, and there’s only the two of them. Not to mention, Taeyeon, Jessica and Tiffany have a decade of emotional baggage to sort through.

It’s none of her business, but she’s still curious. Who fell for who first? Was it mutual at the time? Who made the first move? Why did Taeyeon and Tiffany end up together, and not Taeyeon and Jessica? Or Tiffany and Jessica?

These are all questions that Seungwan knows she won’t receive answers for. She might if she asked. It’ll probably reopen old wounds and cause unnecessary mental anguish to everyone involved. She decides not to pry. Her own heartache is enough.

She’ll find out eventually. It’s a curious tangle of thorns and Seungwan is too closely involved to come out unscathed. Especially now.

She hurries out to meet Jessica at the door. She’s leaning back casually against it, hands behind her head, feet crossed at the ankles.

“So, do I get a kiss too?” It’s said with a pout and Seungwan rears back due to some base instinct.

“W-what?” Seungwan thinks that her heart might give out if Jessica is always like this.

“Krystal got one.”

“I’d really rather not. I want to make it home alive.”

“Awwwww. Fine. Be a spoilsport.”

“I’ll do a hug though?” Taeyeon won’t mind a hug will she?

“Eh. Good enough.”

It’s not much of a hug. Their statures are too similar and since  they both tend to raise their arms when hugging, it ends up as chest bump instead. Seungwan is the one that’s knocked back. Jessica is the stronger one, after all.

 

 

She finds Taeyeon leaning against a counter in the lobby, hood drawn over her head and face mask on. Her eyes seem to be glaring and she waves Seungwan over without a word.

She stomps off to the car in silence and Seungwan follows. She thinks carefully about how to break the news that she’s moving in with Jessica. She doesn’t notice that Taeyeon’s stopped until she bumps into her.

“Sorry.”

“What is _this?_ ” Taeyeon whirls around and holds her phone in front of Seungwan’s face with accusing eyes. She sounds absolutely  devastated. Tae, will you please help Seungwan move in tomorrow? We’re pretty close now. She’ll owe you one. X

Seungwan swears Taeyeon’s heart breaks then and there. It’s a sharp, clear sound and she can hear the hurt.

Taeyeon’s heart breaks that dingy underground parking lot and there’s nothing Seungwan can do to prevent it.

 _Fuck’s sake, Jessica._ Now, Seungwan doesn’t know her well at all, but she can say with complete confidence that pulling something like that is classic Jessica. She’s not even giving her a chance to slowly ease Taeyeon into it.

She slumps against the car door, posture screaming defeat. Her shoulders start to tremble and Seungwan knows that she’s going to start crying soon. When Taeyeon cries, she won’t listen to reason.

Seungwan blurts out the first thing that comes to mind.

“It’s not what it looks like.” She squeezes her eyes shut. It’s cliche and clearly not the right thing to say. She doesn’t know why she said it.

Taeyeon slides down to hug at her knees, hair falling over her face. She looks smaller and sadder than Seungwan’s ever seen and she’d lean down to hold her, if she didn’t know that Taeyeon would flinch at the touch. She doesn’t want Seungwan anywhere near her.

“She wasn’t supposed to like you this much. It’s not meant to be this way. We didn’t think she would...” The words are choked out of a gasping throat, Taeyeon looks as if she’s struggling to breathe.

Her words rouse something inside of Seungwan. Icy and growling, it curls protectively around Jessica. She bares her teeth and chooses her words carefully. She wants this to hurt. She needs to make a point.

“She loves you. You bloody idiot. It doesn’t matter who you throw at her, it doesn’t matter what excuse you make up, it’s not going to work. Girls like Jessica are willing to wait forever. No matter how miserable it makes them.” Seungwan knows this because she knows herself. She knows that she’s a girl like that.

“We just want her to be happy.” Seungwan thinks that they're idiots. The lot of them. And that she is one too.

“Then get your head out of your ass and make a move. And I mean a good one. Not one where you two throw her at someone you know she won’t like and then pretending that you’re doing her a favour. That’s a shitty move.”

“When did you get this wise, kiddo?” Taeyeon’s upright again. She no longer looks like she’ll break at the slightest touch.

“When you set me up with someone you both love and she hit me in the face with the cold hard truth. Repeatedly.”

“She does that, doesn’t she.”

“Yea.”

“I’m sorry Seungwan. I wanted to help and ended up getting you involved in all this.” Taeyeon attempts to surreptitiously wipe at her eyes.

Seungwan averts her gaze.

“It’s fine. Jessica knocked some sense into me and I’m going to make you get your shit together and then get you guys together.”

“Wow, she really sank her claws into you.

“And whose fault is that?”

“Down kitty, down.”

 

 

It’s late when Seungwan returns to her building.

The elevator is out of order and she has to go up seven flights of stairs. Her calves are on fire by the time she gets to her floor. Her phone battery is running low and the darkness is daunting.

She lets out a long, relieved sigh when she finally enters the safety of home. She had found all the shadows vaguely threatening on the walk up. A light bulb had even flickered ominously before going out. Seungwan needs to watch less horror movies.

She hums a cheerful tune quietly as she pads inside. She doesn’t turn on the lights, instead she uses her phone to see. All the members are sure to be asleep. There’s no way she’s risking waking them up, not when there’s bound to be questions about her late arrival home. She does not want to deal with Sooyoung or Yerim tonight.

Joohyun. She freezes when she remembers Joohyun. She spins stiffly on the spot and turns to face the couch. No Joohyun lurking about. Seungwan relaxes and heads off to the bathroom to get ready for bed.

When she’s all finished, she tiptoes into her room, ready for a good night’s sleep. Jessica’s shirt is really, really comfortable and Seungwan really wants to sleep in it. Nobody has to know. She does not want Taeyeon to get the wrong idea.

Her bed looks heavenly and Seungwan dives onto it. She lands next to the lump of blankets with a bounce and buries her face into a pillow. It’s warm and it smells like Joohyun. Seungwan sighs in contentment. In fact, it smells exactly like Joohyun.

Seungwan freezes when the blankets move. Arms wrap around her waist and pull her backwards, until she’s lying flush against a soft body. She feels warm breaths against the back of her neck.

She doesn’t need to turn around, she always recognises Joohyun’s embrace. She's missed it. But Seungwan is strong and she will not yield.

“Seungwan-ah.” It’s mumbled into her ear, sleepy and soft and Seungwan melts. She doesn’t usually get to experience Joohyun like. She decides to indulge, if only for a little while.

“Unnie, what are you doing here?” Her breath catches slightly when deft fingers start to trace patterns over her stomach.

Joohyun nuzzles into her, nosing beneath her chin and somehow getting even closer before she answers, “I missed you and you weren’t home and your bed smells like you...and...and…” she trails off with a yawn, face still buried in Seungwan’s neck.

Seungwan knows that in her sleepy state, Joohyun is at her most vulnerable. And her most honest. That if she asks anything, Joohyun will answer. She catches Joohyun’s fingers and smoothes over the, holding them still. She tamps down the temptation. She will not ask tonight. Not when Joohyun will tell her something else tomorrow.

“Shhhh. It’s ok. Just go to sleep. I’ll be here in the morning.”

But not the day after. As much as she wants to stay in Joohyun’s arm’s forever, she has to leave. It’s for the best.

She gives Joohyun tonight.


	7. Chapter 7

knows something is wrong the moment Taeyeon comes home. Her steps are sure and slow, nothing like how they’re meant to be.

Taeyeon gets like this when the weight of them world is too overwhelming and she cannot handle anymore. They are her burdens and hers alone.

Tiffany knows Taeyeon better than anyone else, except perhaps Jessica. Even then, there are times where she cannot comprehend the labyrinths of Taeyeon’s being.

They get lost Jessica and her, in Taeyeon’s mind and Taeyeon’s eyes. There are monsters that dwell within. She keeps them under lock and key and she never lets anybody close enough to see. They’ve heard the snarling, the screaming and see the edges of pain and hurt. They are not frightened of Taeyeon. They are terrified for her.

But she won’t let them in. Won’t let them out.

Tiffany thinks she knows what the problem is. Taeyeon had just dropped Seungwan off at Jess’s place after all. _Why do you keep doing this to yourself?_ She thinks Taeyeon is too selfless, too set in her ways, too afraid to make herself happy. She doesn’t know that she’s hurting all three of them.

There’s a quiet creak as the bedroom door opens and Taeyeon pads inside, hair obscuring her face.

Tiffany turns to face her. “Tae?”

She rushes to the edge of the bed when Taeyeon staggers forward. She makes it just in time. She settles back and cradles Taeyeon to her chest.

“Babe? What’s the matter?”

Taeyeon melts against her, smaller that she usually seems and Tiffany can see the anguish in her eyes. It’s raw and it’s potent and all she wants to do is take the hurt away. And she knows that she can’t. Because Taeyeon won’t let her. Not this time.

Taeyeon never lets her. Not when it’s about Jessica.

Tiffany suspects that she’s punishing herself. _It’s been years , why can’t you let this go? Why can’t you let yourself be happy?_

She runs her fingers through dark tresses and hums. Humming has always had calming affect on Taeyeon. It’s been that way since they met, that much hasn’t changed, even though everything else has.

“Do you— Do you think she’ll like Seungwan?”

When Taeyeon had first introduced her to Seungwan, Tiffany’s first thought was that she was adorable. Her second thought was that Jessica would like her.

They’re both like icebergs. There’s so much depth and people never bother to look beneath the surface, never see the danger that lurks beneath. People only ever realise when they collide, when it’s far too late, when nothing can be salvaged.

She leans forward to brush her lips against the side of a bowed head. Taeyeon presses closer.

“I think they’ll get along great. They’ll be good for each other.”

She knows that Taeyeon is terrified at the thought of them losing Jessica to someone else. And that she’s been subtly undermining the people they’ve been setting Jessica up with. Taeyeon doesn’t know that Tiffany knows what she’s been doing. What she’s been letting her do.

Tiffany thinks that she shouldn’t be worried. Because knows that Jessica is theirs. She was theirs from the start and she’ll be theirs in the end.

Sometime she wants to give Taeyeon a hard slap to the back of the head, wants to make her see what Tiffany had known from the start. _An idiot. Our idiot._

Jessica has been theirs all along. Theirs to reject, theirs to hurt. And Taeyeon does not see it. Tiffany wonders if she’s really that blind or if she’s just willfully ignorant.

“Do you think she’s going to give up on us?” A shaking hand curls into the fabric of her shirt.

Jessica is building their relationship, slowly, surely, like a house of cards. And whenever she begins to make progress, Taeyeon makes it all fall down. And Jessica will start all over again. It’s a vicious cycle and all Tiffany wants is for it to stop.

She wants Taeyeon to stop rigging the game. She wants Jessica to stop letting Taeyeon  win.

The knows that if they meet on even ground, if they both play fair, nobody has to lose. They’ll all win, herself most of all.

"I don’t think she ever will.”

 

 

 


	8. Chapter 8

Seungwan wakes to unexpected warmth and weight. When she attempts to sit up, it makes a cute whine and pushes her back down.

She blinks. The room spins into focus and she sees that Joohyun is curled on top of her, arms wrapped around her stomach, cheek pressed to Seungwan chest. She rises slightly with every breathe and Seungwan can’t name the emotion that wells up.

It tightens her throat and stings at her eyes.

Joohyun is so lovely, painted in the reds and golds of the rising sun that Seungwan can’t bear it. She wants to cocoon her in sunlight and blankets and keep her close. She thinks that Joohyun looks so young, so painfully young when she’s sleeping and all the worries of the world are kept at bay.

A treacherous thought worms its way through the back of her skull. It makes its home inside her mind and Seungwan _wants_.

She wants this. She wants to stay like this, just her and Joohyun in this little sunlit room, secluded from the tumult outside these walls. She thinks that they could be happy.

She cradles Joohyun’s face in her hands, making sure to keep her touches light so she gets some much needed sleep. She drags her thumb down a perfect nose, over gorgeous lips and traces along a perfect jaw. She marvels at the softness of Joohyun’s skin.

Joohyun is beautiful and Seungwan knows this. But Joohyun is more than aesthetic attraction, more than the symmetry of her face. More than what everybody sees.

She’s so much more and nobody ever realises.

She is laughter and encouragement and support. She is warmth and comfort and strength. She is pain and tears and absolution. She is everything to Seungwan.

Joohyun can exist without Seungwan. But there is no Seungwan without Joohyun.

Joohyun is fire and Joohyun is steel; she has shaped Seungwan into something stronger, into someone better. And she does not know. Seungwan never told her and so she does not know. Joohyun is her north and her south and her entire fucking compass and Seungwan needs her to know.

Seungwan wants to be brave.

She remembers a pair of intertwined trees. One dark and one light and both blooming beautifully. Once, they reminded her of Joohyun and herself, but no longer.

She thinks about insidious vines, climbing and coiling, draining and choking, successfully bringing titans down.

Joohyun is a giant. And even giants fall, given enough time.

Seungwan needs to learn. Seungwan needs to be brave. Seungwan needs grow up, grown apart. She’s too closely tied to Joohyun; there’s a part of her that she’ll never get back if they part ways.

If she doesn’t make room, if she doesn’t leave space, Joohyun will suffocate and Seungwan will wilt away without her. She needs to be a complement and an equal, nothing less.

She wants to stand alongside Joohyun in the sun and not forever cast in her shadow.

Joohyun stirs in discomfort and her face contorts.

Seungwan leans down to feather kisses across her brow, willing the furrows away. She commits the feel of Joohyun’s skin against her lips to memory.

“Seungwan?’ Joohyun’s eyes flutter open slowly, a small smile graces her lips at the sight of Seungwan.

Seungwan’s heart quivers in its cage.

She presses her lips to the top of a sleek head before she straightens up. She keeps her hands on Joohyun’s face.

“Joohyun.” She forgoes the honorific.

“Hi.”

“Hey you.”

Joohyun’s eyes curve into heart stopping crescents and Seungwan strokes along her cheeks. Freshly awakened Joohyun is similar to sleepy Joohyun in that they are both very, very candid. And very, very cute. Not to mention oblivious. She hasn’t noticed that Seungwan’s clothes are not her own. Thank god.

“I need to talk to you.”

Luscious lips jut out into a pout and Seungwan’s eyes follow the motion. They are a very pretty pink.

“Right now?”Joohyun whines. “Can’t we stay like this a little longer?”

She’s playful this morning as much as Seungwan wants to indulge, she can’t. Not today and not like this. Not with all that’s between them.

She decides to strike the hardest blow first. She hopes that Joohyun is as resilient as Seungwan thinks she is. She has to be.

“I’m moving out.”

“What?!” Joohyun immediately scrambles off of her and sits up.

“What do you mean you’re moving out?” She grabs the nearest pillow and hugs it to her chest. She looks upset but not defeated.

“I just need some time to myself. So I’m moving into with a friend for a little while.” Seungwan scoots forward so that their knees are touching. Joohyun does not flinch back. That’s a good sign.

“It’s not — it’s not because of me it it?” Her head is bowed, a curtain of black hair obscuring her face. There’s an almost imperceptible tremor in her voice.

When Seungwan moves, she swears that it’s all just for Joohyun and it has nothing to do with her own wants.

She gently pries the pillow from shaking fingers and places it to the side. She places her hands on Joohyun’s shoulders and pulls her forward until she’s tucked beneath Seungwan’s chin.

Seungwan traces circles on her back, feels Joohyun shake in her embrace. There’s sniffling and she feels wetness against her neck. She presses another kiss to the top of Joohyun’s head.

“It’s not because of you. I just need to figure some things out and being in the dorm with all of you guys can be a bit too much sometimes. I’ll be back before you know it, I promise.”

Joohyun pulls back to look at her with watery eyes, tearing rolling down her cheeks. Seungwan feels devastation strike her gut and clenches her fists. She needs to do this. She needs to be strong.

She brushes the tears away with her thumb and Joohyun leans into her touch.

“You promise?” Joohyun’s lower lip quivers.

Seungwan dips down and rests her forehead against Joohyun’s. Their faces are inches apart and her words are unmistakeable. “I promise.”

Joohyun‘s hands cup the base of her neck to keep her close. “I’ll be waiting for you to come back to me.”

 

 

Seungwan is kneeling by her opened wardrobe and haunted by indecision. She has too many clothes. She needs pyjamas, yes. Does she need shorts? What is the weather for the week? Should she bring a hat?

When she finally comes to a decision she folds her clothes neatly and then undoes all her hard work by cramming them into the duffel bag. It’s a hideous shade of canary yellow and she is really regretting the impulse buy.

Jessica had told her to pack for a fortnight. But had invited her over for an indefinite amount of time. When she had brought it up, Jessica’s reply was an amused “I do own a washing machine you know,” and the rationalisation that she could always pop back to the dorm to pick things up. Seungwan had still panicked.

Seungwan is still panicking.

There’s three sharp knocks at her door. It’s Seulgi. She’s the only one that actually knocks.

“Come in.” The door is opened a crack and Seulgi slips inside.

“Seungwan?”  

“Hey, Seul. Make yourself comfortable.”

Seulgi sits at the edge of the bed and rests her hands on her thighs.

“Unnie said you were moving out.”

“Mmhmm.” She makes a noise of agreement and continues rummaging through her wardrobe.

“I know it’s really none of my business, but is there something I could do to help the two of you out?”

Seungwan freezes mid fold.

She puts the shirt down and turns to face Seulgi. “What do you mean?”

“I’m not blind, Seungwan. Sooyoung and Yerim aren’t either. There’s something going on between you and Joohyun-unnie. And it’s something big if you’re leaving us because of it.”

“I’m not leaving because of Joohyun-unnie. I’m doing it because I need some time to myself, alright…”

“Actions are actions and words are words. You told me that. And we all know what’s going on here. No matter what you say.”

Seungwan moves until she’s on the bed. They sit side by side in silence, until Seulgi ventures, “did you have a fight? Did Joohyun-unnie say something? I know she can be harsh at times, but she’s always means well. I can talk to her if you want.”

Seungwan sighs and moves closer.

“We didn’t have a fight and she didn't say anything. It would be easier if it was either of those things.”

“Do you want to talk about?”

Does she want to talk about? Yes, she does. Should she talk about it? No, she shouldn’t. It’s between Joohyun and her and she doesn't want to involve the other members. Because if she tells Seulgi, Sooyoung and Yerim will find out, one way or another. Those two have never played fair. It’s too much pressure on the two of them and they’re already having trouble. She can’t.

She leans against a familiar shoulder. “I’m sorry, I can’t. I want to, but I can’t. I’m sorry. I’m sorry.”

“No it’s ok, I understand. I just want you to know, I’m here for you okay?You can tell me anything.” Seulgi smiles at her, completely sincere and Seungwan feels herself overflow with gratitude. Seulgi is the best friend anybody could wish for.

“I don’t know what I’m supposed to do, Seul.”

“Hmmm.”

“Seul? Seulgi?” Seulgi looks uncomfortable and Seungwan is worried.

“Seungwan, you know how I’ve know Joohyun-unnie for ages?”

“Yes.”

“Well I’ve learnt a lot about her over the years and I thought I knew all of her faces. Did you know that there’s an expression she only makes when she’s staring at you? I swear I see stars in her eyes.”

“Seul…”

Seulgi’s expression hardens suddenly. She sits up straight and bodily makes Seungwan face her.

“But, ever since it got weird between the two of you, unnie let out a side I haven’t seen before. She’s quieter than she’s ever been and she keeps staring into space and making mistakes. She’s eaten chicken twice by accident now.”

Seulgi’s eyes narrow into something that’s almost a glare. Seungwan swallows nervously.

“You are very, very important to me. But Joohyun-unnie is Joohyun-unnie. So please, try to take care of each other okay? And please come back soon. I haven’t seen her cry this much in years and it’s honestly scaring me.”

Joohyun has been crying? Seungwan needs to fix this.

“I’m going to try my best. This, me moving out, is me trying. And I’ll come back with a clearer head and a better game plan and I’m going to fix it.”

“Good. I don’t want the two of you to hurt anymore. You guys deserve to be happy.”

 

 

She’s seated on the couch by the door, duffel back at her feet.

 _I’m ready when you are._ Seungwan really, really hopes that Taeyeon has recovered from yesterday. She really needs that lift. And if Taeyeon can’t help her, the other options she has left is to either taxi it or ask Joohyun to drive her. They’re both pretty bad ideas at this point in time.

 _I’ll be there in ten :)_ Surprisingly, Taeyeon only uses emojis when she actually means them. So she can tell that Taeyeon is all good now. Seungwan fist pumps in relief. Taeyeon is back in the game. She’s so elated by relief she doesn’t notice the extra weight on the couch.

“Seungwan.”

“Ahhhhhh.” She drops her phone and catches it mid-air with a clap. She holds it over her heart protectively.

“Oh. I’m sorry.” Joohyun looks crestfallen. Her eyes are red-rimmed and there’s wet stains on her sleeves.

Seungwan pretends she doesn’t notice.

“No. No. It’s fine. You know me, I’m just terrible clumsy.” She waves her hands rapidly to indicate that she is fine. It’s a poor attempt. Nobody is fooled.

Joohyun shifts closer to poke at her cheek. “You are such an awkward  hamster.” Much like sleepy Joohyun and barely awake Joohyun, post-crying Joohyun is also very uninhibited.

“Why am I always a hamster? Why can’t I be something cool?” She puffs her cheeks out in mock anger.

There’s another poke at her cheek. “It’s because your cheeks are so floofy. So, who are you wanting for?”

“I’m waiting for Taeyeon-unnie. She’s going to give me a lift.”

Joohyun tilts her head quizzically. She looks very cute and Seungwan resists the urge to grab her cheeks. Joohyun tends to slap away hands that get too close to her face. And she hits hard.

“Taeyeon-ssi is giving you a lift? Aren’t you moving in with her?”

How did Joohyun come to that conclusion!?

“No? I’m not moving in with her. Why would you think that?”

“Because she’s one of your closest friends and she has her own house? Who else would you move in with?” Seungwan sees that she has very valid points.

“Wait. Who _are_ you moving in with?” Bright eyes thin into suspicions slits and Seungwan chuckles nervously.

“Jessica.”

“Jessica Jung?”

“Yes.”

Perfect eyebrows rise in surprise. Joohyun looks impressed. It’s quite difficult to impress a woman like Joohyun. It takes a woman like Jessica.

“I wasn’t aware you knew each other.”

Seungwan should be honest. Seungwan should tell Joohyun that she’s only met Jessica once and that it was an offer that she really, really wanted to take.

She should tell Joohyun a lot of things. She would tell Joohyun all of them if she was brave.

Seungwan decides to start small. Start today.

“We’ve actually just met yesterday. She was my date last night.”

“ _Oh_.” She has never heard such a clipped syllable before today. She watches Joohyun slowly begin to grind her teeth.

“She’s also actually terribly in love with a friend of mine.” Saying friends would require a _long_ explanation.

“Oh.” It’s the same syllable but a completely different emotion. The grinding stops.

“I’m going to move in with Jessica for a bit and we’re gonna help each other out.” It’s the truth. As abbreviated as it is.

Taeyeon chooses that moment to bang loudly at the door. “Oiii, Seungwan, get your ass out here, Jess says we have to get there in time for lunch and I said we would.”

“I’m going to miss you…” Joohyun pulls at the bottom of her sweater.

“I’ll be back  before you know it.” She stands up and tries to step away. A tug pulls her back. She stares down.

“You’d better.” Pretty eyes dart from side to side as Joohyun opens and closes her mouth.

They’re interrupted by a yell. “OIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIII!!!!!! Don’t make a liar out of me, Son Seungwan!“

There’s a sudden, soft pressure on her cheek and then Joohyun is gone in a flourish of dark hair and lavender pyjamas.

Seungwan blinks at the empty room and wonders if it was all her imagination.

“SEUNGWAN!!!!!! HURRY PLEASE”

She throws her bag over shoulder and casts one long lingering look towards where Joohyun disappeared before exiting the apartment.

 

 

“Thanks.” Taeyeon is a smooth driver and Seungwan appreciates it. Joohyun is a much jerkier driver and as much as Seungwan enjoys her company, car rides can be a little stressful.

“For?”

“Knocking some sense into my head.” Somebody had to. For all their sakes. Seungwan wonders if she’s the first. Or the latest in a long list of exasperated, well-meaning friends.

“No problem. It was my pleasure. I’m sorry that your heart got smashed into a million little pieces in a dark carpark.”

“It’s classic Jessica though. Just ripping the bandaid straight off.”

"I mean, I just met her, but I thought so too.”

“Oh good, you’re a fast learner. You’re gonna need it if you’re moving in with Jess.”

Seungwan feels apprehension being to build. As similar as they are, she doesn’t know that much about Jessica and she really can’t keep using herself as an estimate. It won’t end well if she assumes everything. It might have been _too_ spontaneous a move.

Dammit, Jessica. She’s too persuasive for her own good, not to mention everyone else’s.

“Could you please, please, please give me tips about moving in with her. Pretty please with Jessica on top?”

“You and me both…” Taeyeon doesn’t mumble quietly enough.

“What??”

“Yes. Right. Jess. Living with Jess. Honestly, her house is organised and aesthetic, but once you go into her room, it’s a mess, so as long as you keep the house clean, you can do whatever with your room. Also, no cucumbers in the house, it’s a buy-her-expensive-cake-worthy offence. Sharing a living space with her isn’t a problem. It’s all the stuff she asks for help with. She’s all ’Tae this and Tae that.’ Really, I spoil her.”

Taeyeon sighs dreamily. “She’s so cute when she’s demanding. ”

“And you were going at me for my supposed ‘intimidating woman’ thing? Really, unnie? After Jessica——-.”

Seungwan cuts herself off in mortification.

“Oh my god.”

“What? Finally realised how deep you were in denial?” Taeyeon waggles her eyebrows.

“No. I called her Jessica. To her face!”

“Well that is her name?”

“I didn’t use any honorifics! She’s going to kill me. Jessica-ssi is going to kill me. She thinks that if she belatedly attaches an honorific now, Jessica might hurt her less.

“Oh that? Relax. She’s really unbothered about  all that stuff. Now if you ever met our Joohyun, that’s who you gotta pull out the manners for.

Seungwan takes a deep breath. She thinks she’ll ask Jessica anyway. Just in case. It’s her house after all.

“Oh by the way, you told her yet?”

“Joohyun-unnie? Yea.”

“No, not her, but it’s nice to know she’s your first thought. I meant Krys.”

“Krystal? No why?”

Taeyeon takes her eyes off the road for a brief, incredibly brief moment to stare at her incredulously.

“I don’t know. Why would you? It’s not like you’re moving into her sister’s house or anything.”

Seungwan now realises that she probably should have told Krystal.

“Oh right. I didn’t think about that. Thank. I’ll do it now.” She hasn’t moved in yet. Almost. But not _yet_.

“That’s ‘cos you’ve got a one track mind and it’s all about Bae Joohyun.

Seungwan types out a message. She has an inkling of what Krystal’s reply will be and she’s got her response ready. _I’m moving in with your sister._

The replies comes almost instantlly and she can _feel_ the disbelief. _WHAT??????? WHY? WHEN? HOW? MY SISTER? LIKE, JESSICA JUNG? (ʘ‿ʘ)_

She keeps her reply short and simple. _¯\\_(ツ)_/¯_

Ah, sweet satisfaction.


End file.
